WHIPPS WONDERS STEAL MARCH ON RIVALS
By Matt Motson
AC TORTURED 14(?) - 7 FC DYNAMO ARTISTS
In what became a hard fought and frankly, over physical game, the APL resumed its competitive edge for the summer season. Barring a meta narrative injury to Stuart Tait, Jake Master’s finger strain and the continued absence of Alex Marzeta (last seen boarding a plane to play for Ecuador on international duty) both teams were back to full strength. The exertion and slight inertia of last week’s international friendly with America had been put to one side but Whipp’s toe remained a concern.
Conditions were unusually balmy with the match being the first game to kick off in daylight. This exposed the rather primitive changing facilities at Holt St and the ever effete Phil Barber was seen struggling with a towel round his waist trying to change in to his pre moulded inner body layer. Dan Dave Burwood surprised everyone by arriving a full 5 minutes early, presumably getting leave from his day job at a Victorian Manchester workhouse
In a scene reminiscent of ‘Back to the Future’ Burwood freewheeled down the embankment on a what appeared to be a World War Two era, air raid marshal’s bike, seemingly preoccupied with the time on the large university clock on the side of a building, he repeatedly indicated that it was stuck at five to seven. Team-mate’s suspicions were further raised when he was overheard to mumble ‘Marty! Marty! It’s worked! It’s worked!’ in to a walkie-talkie concealed somewhere in his BBC costume drama attire.
The teams warmed up and looking for any glimmer of inspiration, and ever the fashionista, Dynamo Artist’s captain Matt Westbrook walked on to the pitch donning a vintage 1984 England ‘Admiral’ kit. Such a shame the 1984 version of Westbrook could not also be present as the unsettling sight of his bulging frame, shrink wrapped in to shiny polyester was thought to upset and distract his fellow team-mates.
Bizarrely new ACT signing James Langdon, perhaps expecting a swim off, appeared to be wearing goggles or some sort of advanced Nintendo Wii application. It later transpired that this was an attempt by the pyjama bottomed and fold away bike expert to view the game purely in fluorescent colour. Quite how this will function with the expected return of Marzeta next week is unclear.
The game kicked off and there proceeded to be an edgy first 10 minutes with AC Tortured imposing themselves on the FC Dynamo defence but without any return. Dynamo were creaking though, with ACT new signing Wade the Elder starting impressively, passing to feet and making the most of the indecision that seemed endemic in the Dynamo ranks. Phil Barber was already despairing at the lack of numbers in defence and it was no surprise when a Westbrook defensive error let in Whipps who fired home to score the first of his many goals. This was swiftly followed by a belter from the inimitable Wade the Elder.
As the ball hit the back of the net and in to a sportsworld rucksack, it was as if the dramatic music that accompanied the German goals in ‘Escape to Victory’ could be heard in the minds of the team in blue. The omens indeed did not look good for Dynamo.
Quite what happened next may go down in FC Dynamo history. A glance around his team gave Captain Westbrook all the motivation he needed. The dejected Andy Broad St sat motionless on the floor, head in hands. Phil Barber appeared to be repeatedly making the ‘Lineker eyes’ to an imaginary manager on an imaginary bench. Herr ‘Gaz’ Hughes just stood there, wryly shaking his head, muttering something about Arbeloa, whilst the absent Dan Burwood was scaling the fence, seemingly to link a makeshift time travel device between Whipp’s Smart car and the aforementioned university clock.
What would Clough do in a situation like this? How could FC Dynamo get back into the game? There was only one answer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYk91LoJ-a4&feature=related
CRUNCH! there Andy Broad St tackling everything that moves.
BANG! There’s Burwood, back in the room, cutting out another sloppy Chairman Poolman pass.
WALLOP! There’s Westbrook stamping down on every ACT attacking move ( literally- apologies to all) and…
WHOOSH! ITS A GOAL! The Ginger Pele breaks clear to fire home a long range effort 2-1! Dynamo are back in the game.
GOAL! Some fine interplay from Burwood and Andy Broad St , along with some luck from a fumble by Langdon sees a Barber shot make it 2-2!
and then Dynamo got tired, heads dropped and ACT kind of run away with it…
Final Score: AC Tortured 14 – 7 FC Dynamo
( to be honest it was probably nearer 20)
Whipps lots Westbrook 3
Wade 2? Langton 1
Poolman 1? Barber 2
Tom 2? Hughes 1
(please note scorer accuracy impeded by fatigue)
PLAYER RATINGS
AC TORTURED FC
8 - Langdon - The thinking man’s Edgar Davids - some great saves and good interplay. After a shaky debut he now looks to be a good signing for ACT. Nice bike.
8- Wade The Elder - An immediate impact made to the land of APL football with goals and assists aplenty. This imposing midfielder will surely be a keystone of future ACTteams. Uses his experience well. Unusual to see him without his blackberry.
6- Chris ‘The Chairman’ Poolman a quiet game. Perhaps distracted by events off the pitch and rumours of financial meltdown. Seemed to be carrying a lot of cash towards end of game though- is there a bung culture at ATAFC? more next week.
9- Whipps The Wondermeister. What more can be said about this young trompadour? Is he Benjamin Button-esque actually getting younger? Where does he get his energy from? Is it a beard or a tache? Why did he buy a smart car? Playing out of his skin to justify the expense of buying a new England shirt .
8-Tom ‘The Guvnor’ Grosvenor - BMAGIC! BMA(G)ARVELLOUS! The Guvnor was up and down the left wing like a young Tony Blair. His silky skills and fitness are rare at this level.
FC DYNAMO ARTISTS
5- ‘Old Man’ Matt Westbrook – lucky to be on the pitch and visibly aging with each kick. When this player takes the field you can almost here the whimsical melodies of Neil Young serenading his every move. Got a hat trick but his wayward shooting would have irritated the most loyal of FC DA fans . Stay at the back, stay out of trouble. buy some new kit.
6- Big Dan Burwood - The loan signing from the 18th century continues to improve, but showed some woeful keeping. Perhaps not yet adjusted to the modern day match balls.
7- Herr ‘Gaz’ Hughes - Soon to be departed Herr Gaz will leave FC Dynamo for a pre planned loan signing to Herta Berlin Sausagemakers and fittingly got the last goal. His trickery and control on the ball will be sorely missed by FC DA who wish him well and a return testimonial one day in the odd assortment of Blue that constitutes their kit.
Is Marzeta out there? Can he accept the mantle that Hughes has left? Auf Weidersen, farewell, wish me luck, say goodbye Hughes was not heard to say.
5- ‘Andy’ Broad St – by his own high standards the ‘thumper’ had a bad day at the office. Still in line for ‘name that sounds most like an entertainment district’ award at the end of the season awards.
6- Barber ‘El Nino’ – seemingly out of the game for long spells but he still managed to twinkle toe it up with some neat interplay. How does he do that drag back thing? Great words of inspiration. Chin up PB they’ll be better days than this.
