ATA FC officials sensationally called a press conference last night to announce the squads for the BAF Cup. In the esteemed surroundings of The Prince of Wales, club officials explained to a disinterested audience of Tolkien lookalikes and bearded types that ATA FC would be submitting an A (AC Tortured) and a B (Dynamo Artists) team into the tournament. After weeks of discussion as to the relative merits of putting in two equally matched teams teams or an A and B team, the latter choice was decided upon. This is largely due to the rumours that Jibbering and Bristol could both be pretty good and the increased possibility of Eastside blowing two years worth of BCU funding on flying in Lionel Messi for the afternoon. 

MOOSES HEAD

ATA FC officials were also slightly perturbed earlier in the evening when Jibbering centre half Dee revealed that Jibbering play 2 hour games on a weekly basis whilst he completed pull ups on a Moose’s head. Such dedication to duty appeared to frighten ATA FC personnel who vowed there and then to shun equal opportunities and egalitarianism in favour of a strong side and a slightly less than strong side (but strong nevertheless). 

WHIPPS-GATE

To prevent any last minute transfer shenanigans (the Whipps-gate affair),  the blue kited one has been given the captaincy of AC Tortured. Whipps, whose silky skills are matched only by his vocal ones on the football pitch, expressed his delight this morning at the gates of his decaying compound in Sutton Coldfield (the locals call it Xanadu).

RADHI JAIDI SLIPPERS

Donning a novelty pair of Radhi Jaidi slippers and a BCFC dressing gown that has clearly seen better and brighter days, Whipps proudly posed for photographers, before giving everyone a nasty shock when he revealed a new Alex Mcleish tattoo on his arse. Dynamo Artists will be captained by Victorian gent and everybody’s favourite lovable rogue Dan Burwood. Burwood who is the bookies favourite to win ‘Most Improved Player’ at the end of year awards bash was within spitting distance of making the A team. ATA FC officials decided though, that it would be impossible to accommodate a player who wears Dave Thomas’s boots.

SUPERSTITION

Whilst Burwood has put his superstitions aside, the majority of ATA FC personnel remain wary of the boots. Only two weeks ago, Phil Barber - in a moment of unexplainable irrationality - touched the boots in question; he has subsequently picked up a minor case of the infamous ‘Athletico Ankle’. Burwood was unavailable to comment on the news that he is to captain Dynamo Artists as he was busy opening his latest hairdressing salon ‘PERMACULTURE’ in Handsworth. 

AC Tortured: Westbrook / Barber / Whipps (captain) / Poolman / Kriz

Dynamo Artists: Burwood (captain) / Masters / Tait / Marzeta /

Hughes (or Essen / Karol)

Just who will make up the Eastside team is anybody’s guess. Disturbing reports today suggest that Eastside associates have been locked up in the VRU unit and made to stare at a Bill Drummond poster for up to 18 hours a day.

SCORE

The cruel brainwashing device is thought to have been implemented after Eastside bigwigs saw a similar device been used by Paul Ince during his successful spell at Blackburn Rovers. Rumours are that the plan may be already backfiring, after several associates were seen hanging around a corner of Ladypool road this afternoon enquiring after ‘a bag of something smelly’. Quite where this leaves Eastside nobody knows. Will Messi be flying into Birmingham for the afternoon? Will the associates be able to keep off the weed long enough to play? Or do Wade and Langdon have something special up their sleeve that the artists football world know nothing about ? 

TENSION

With only two weeks to go until the most anticipated football tournament in England since the 1966 World Cup, the tension continues to mount. Just how good are Jibbering? Should a street art team be allowed in the tournament? Can you really fit 120 people into the back room of The Lamp Tavern as Landlord Eddie Claims? Who will have the best kit? Should Dan Burwood be allowed to play on his bike? Will it rain? Will teams be able to find Aston Powerleague? With so many questions to be answered, the BAF Cup promises to be the footballing event of the year.

BLACK MARKET

With tickets exchanging hands on the black market for over £200, ebay has noted a dramatic rise in back catalogues of A-N magazine appearing on it’s website as hard up artists attempt to generate enough capital to buy a ticket. Six desperate artists were arrested yesterday at Aston Poweleague after their attempts to dig a tunnel into the complex were thwarted. Quick witted powerleague employees thought they smelt a rat when they heard the theme tune from Escape to Victory emanating from a drain.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Upon removing the drain cover, six artists donning Sylvester Stallone masks were found after having tunneled into the drain by mistake. In what vaguely resembled something by Santiago Sierra, the six artists were removed from the cramped drain they had been stuck in for 3 days with only a copy of Art Monthly for entertainment. Clearly distressed at the incident, the ‘Aston Six’ explained that they were so distraught at not been able to get a ticket for the tournament, that they had decided to dig a tunnel into the powerleague. Security has now been stepped up at the complex, with West Midlands police drafting in an extra 400 officers from London to help with managing the tournament.

DIRECT POTTERY ACTION

Unfortunately, the hooligan element in Artists football continues to rear its ugly head at events such as this. With the infamous Worcester Firm ‘Direct Pottery Action’ expected to turn up, the Firms of both ATA FC and Eastside are expected to be in attendance. It can only be hoped that the hooligan faction respect football on an occasion like this and keep their disturbance to a minimum. It would be a shame for both football and art if the tournament was ruined by the rampaging mindlessness of a few. 

EDDIE

On a more positive note, Landlord Eddie of The Lamp Tavern has expressed his uncontained delight that the post tournament awards are occurring at The Lamp. Talking to reporters this morning over several Irish coffees, Eddie explained how he couldn’t sleep properly at night because he was so excited that such a prestigious event was coming to his pub (‘it’s great to feel young again’). Tickets for the event sold out last year within 15 minutes of going on sale. The awards ceremony, which builds on the critically acclaimed ATA FC awards last December (the Guardian called it ‘insightful and irreverent entertainment. Brilliant stuff’) will take a slightly more abridged format this time, after a small minority of attendees complained at the excessive length of the last ceremony.

BINGO

Punters won’t feel that they’re been short changed though, as everyone favourite entertainer AC Tortured Captain Whipps will be compering a late night bingo session with all proceeds going to the Ian England Appeal. It promises to be the event of the year. If you haven’t got a ticket, get one. Cp. 

AC Tortured 18 - 16 FC Dynamo/Eastside projects

Vesterbrucke                                                   Wade the Elder

Stringer Bell                                                 Lester Freaman

Whipps                                                          The ‘Guvnor’

Not So Effete Now Phil Barber                          Brother Mouzone

18^th Century Man                                             Thumper

Holt St witnessed another fiercely contested match between the two great rivals of artist’s football as the players of ACT and DA battled it out for selection to the eagerly anticipated BAF tournament at the end of the month http://www.britishartistsfootball.co.uk

CAPELLO? REDKNAPP? WATKINS?

Hoping to somehow catch an imaginary manager’s eye, players from both teams put in a tough performance to demonstrate their BAF tournament credentials before the upcoming squad announcements.

DAYLIGHT BRIBERY

Rumours of bribery and corruption have continued to surface from ATA FC’s training ground in recent weeks but after the tabloid shanannigans of the private view fest that was the May Day Eastside openings, it was Whipps who caused the biggest surprise by running out in the blue shirt / tatty red bib combo that now seems to represent AC Tortured’s home kit. Rumours of him transferring to ESP continue to exist but there had been no exchange of brown paper bags, or even one-day comics, but Wade the Elder will surely one day get his man.

TRAINING?

ACT fans must now know they have to savour the sight of seeing the young trompadour Whipps playing in the famous red and odd shades of blue before he inevitably moves to the Dayglo pastures of ESP, where it is thought he will see out his George Best ‘where did it all go wrong?’ years.

        STING

Stung by Whipps Loyalty to ACT Wade the Elder and James ‘Lillie’ Langdon took the opportunity to team up with the disaffected DA team to put in some early tackles on what is becoming a dominant  AC Tortured team.

BLOOR

Inspired by Eastside Projects kitman Tom Bloor ( who had gone round the previous week head butting anyone who doubted ESP’s title hopes) the luminous boots of WTE and LL went in fiercely from the beginning, storming DA/ESP to an early 5-2 lead.

Through the Langdon goggles, all was rosy.

ARSON

Hurt, confused and lethargic ACT were now on the verge of an unprecedented defeat. But the galling sight of Colonel Daniels high fiving his troops finally stirred the Stringer Bell and Whipps striking partnership in to action. Surely these two are going to set the world of artists football alight come May 23^rd as the took the match by the scruff of its Birmingham art world standard issue blue winter coat collar and powered ACT in to what would become an unassailable lead. Tait and Thumper responded with 2 goals for DA /ESP past the feeble, and often infuriatingly doing sit ups, Vesterbrucke.

ROGERS 

Canny operator Club Chairman and Shop Steward Bell will also surely be aware that any transfer fee for Whipps will no doubt increase when the world can see his class on a bigger stage. (Word is that Bell’s after a black smart car like the one ESP allegedly wooed Whipps with earlier in the season to tow behind his decorators wagon. Rumours that this is to transport Henry Rogers between residencies are as yet unfounded)

FISTICUFFS

As the game wore on players became increasingly edgy at the thought of injury with The ‘not so effete now’ Phil Barber showing he can mix it with the big boys. Positioned on the right of midfield meant NSENPB was regularly up against DA’s Andy Broad St (affectionately known as ‘Thumper’) who has a feared reputation as a no holes barred tackler. The Andy and Phil show made for an interesting sideline to the evening’s match which also saw verbal fisticuffs between spurned lovers Wade and Whipps.

RIVER DEEP

Emotions run high in these games but new rules did seem to be established (above head height ok, no slide tackles allowed, don’t drink from Frank Subotka’s water ) and needless to say there were handshakes all round at the end.

INERTIA

The game finished 18-16 to ACT and will be remembered as the day when the race for the BAF MUG properly began. Both sides are looking fit and ready and all thoughts now are starting to turn towards that fateful day in May.

Final Score ACT 18 – 16 Dynamo Artists/ Eastside Projects 

Matt Motson

Speculation has been rife, the columns positively clanging with possibly spurious sallies up the VIRTUALLY UNASSAILABLE fortifications of truth’s fair CASTLE walls, following the publication of a leaked publicity hyper-realist painting of ATAFC/ AC Tortured/ Dynamo Artists/ (insert name of bigger, better team) stalwart Tom Grovesnor posing for cameras.

WORM HOLE?

Rumors abound ahead of tonights HOTLY anticipated AC Tortured/ Dynamo Artists tie. Whose will be playing for WHOOMs? What were they be wearing? Where are they now? What are the implications of this SHOCK signing for the Forthcoming ARTISTS MUG competition. Will Grosvenor play in BLUE, or RED? Will the 1968-9 Liverpool squad return from the past to join the FRAY? The oh-so-numerous pundits, and the legions of adoring fans past and present, can only wait and see.

More to follow…

FC DYNAMO ARTISTS 12 - 30 AC TORTURED

‘mixed fabrics’                          ‘Reds’

WHIPPS                                                   POOLMAN

The ever effete Phil BARBER                       THE ‘GUVNOR’

ESSEN                                                             ‘BROOK’

WADE THE ELDEST                                          THUMPER

LANGDON                         The ever effete Phil Barber’s Brother ‘MIKE’

SHOCKWAVES

Shock waves were sent round Holt St when at five past seven it became clear that lovable Chimney Sweep and fan favourite Dan Dave Burwood would not be making his usual entrance to the pitch, changing from one period costume to another whilst stumbling over his bike, or indeed be taking any part in the night’s proceedings.

CHILLI DOG

Rumours circulated as to the reasons for his disappearance but this, and the continued absence of Stuart Tait (tai chi over kill), Jacob Masters ( web finger) added to the fact that it appears that the MLS has now permanently lured Alex Marzeta to the land of the chilli dog ( he was last seen in New York on Google earth dressed as ‘Bubbles’ fromThe Wire) meant another massive overhaul of the teams.

COLOURS

Transfers between the two rival teams were decided clandestinely by the bin before the game by ‘Stringer Bell’ Poolman and ‘Avon Barksdale’ Tom Grosvenor, seemingly on the basis on what everyone was wearing.

SAUSAGES

Mark Essen (Ziggy) made his second appearance for Dynamo, having been part of the loan deal that took Gaz Hughes (Herc) to Berlin Sausagemakers. Essen’s arrival had clearly upset Matt Westerbrucker (Frank Sobotka) who had changed his name by deed poll in an attempt to be in pole position to receive the player with most German sounding name award.

EXPOSED

Westerbrucker was also amazingly exposed as the brains behind a bizarre failed plot to win car of the year in last week’s game when he had arranged for some heavies to impede the Essen’s vehicle.

BUG

Stringer Bell wisely chose to keep them apart for this game by placing them on opposing teams and advising both to stay in goal for most of the game. This didn’t however stop the irrepressible Westerbrucker, who made an outrageous attempt to bug Essen’s goal with the old ‘hoodie left in the goal mouth’ routine. This one will surely run and run at least until Tait ( Brother Mouzone) returns.

CLUB MASCOT

Whipps (Sgt. Ellis Carver) had defied the odds again by appearing to shave off another 10 years off his dubious age by turning up in a full Blues home kit giving him the appearance of a club mascot. The fact that he pleaded that this was down to sheer economy (£10 from SPORTSDIRECT ) wasn’t washing with anyone, and most people’s suspicions were confirmed by the fact that gave an ongoing running commentary every time he touched the ball throughout the game.

NOT AS IN THE PASTY SHOPP

The Ever Effete Phil Barber (Greggs) appeared also to be in on this replica kit wearing but had bought the unliked 0607 home kit, a classic EEPB error. This was however trumped by the twinkle toed one by bringing along his mercenary younger ( but older looking) brother Mike (Poot), who was to put in another strong performance in payment for half a coke and a bag of crisps.

CREAKS

The game kicked off and there proceeded to be a change from the usual edgy first 10 minutes with AC Tortured imposing themselves quickly on the FC Dynamo defence and striding in to a 4-0 lead. The home crowd went quiet and Dynamo were creaking with some divisions in the ranks being exposed. It took club mascot Sgt Ellis Carver to change the flow of the game as he set about imposing himself on the AC defence. This led to some tough exchanges with Andy ‘Thumper’ Broad st (Bodie) and Old Man Frank Sobotka, who surely by now should be playing in an old masters league somewhere else. The Sergeant certainly gave the orders and before too long Dynamo were back in it with 3 quickly taken goals.

4-3

Quarter of an hour had passed and both teams were knackered with one eye on the clock. Fearing that the first team to demand for a half time break would be exposed as lightweights both teams continued to blindly kick hacks out of each other for an hour and a half in which time the scoreline rose to 21-11 to ACT. It took union man Frank Sobotka’s son Ziggy to call time and keep hold of the ball so everyone could stand in their goalmouth and pretend they weren’t hurting half as much as they actually were.

HALF TIME TACTICS AND ORANGE LUCOZADE

New Dynamo signing Wade the Eldest (Colonel Daniels) had had enough and came out for the second half recharged by writing a half time press release about Kurt Vonnegut.  He continued to inspire others and gave another storming performance, linking well with The Sergeant and EEPB but they were overall powerless to prevent Iron man Tom Avon Barksdale and the lolloping Stringer Bell from casually extending AC’s goal tally as the Dynamo defence continued to be caught on the break. Despite Frank Sobotka’s best attempts to undermine any advantage his team had gained, AC asserted themselves in to what would become an unassailable lead.

JIM JAMS

As the game petered out and Whipp’s had his customary 5 minute lie down, it became apparent that no one had seen The Thinking man’s Edgar Davids/ James Langdon /Lester Freamon for some time, indeed he was conspicuous by his absence. Choosing to wear his black Marks and Spencer pyjamas for the game TTMED/JL/LF had made some early impressive runs up the left wing but as the game had progressed had voluntarily retreated back to the Dynamo defence. Odd, as he seemed a potent part of Dynamo’s attack.

WHERE WAS BURWOOD?

It what can be classed as a Matt Motson exclusive I can now reveal that TTMED/JL/LF was in fact communicating via his swimming goggles, throughout the match with 18thCentury Dan Burwood who had become stuck, Quantum Leap-esque in a future dimension.

RUSTY

It turns out that throughout the match Langdon was in fact collecting rubbish to send to travelling man Burwood so that he could power his rusty fixed wheel postman’s bikeBACK to the future to collect an item that a future Langdon had bid for on e-bay in the year 2056.

GAMBLER

The only problem was that the money Langdon had used in the future to bid for his purchase was reliant on a bet he had placed on the score being EXACTLY 12-30 to AC Tortured. This scoreline would also ensure Burwood’s safe return by mirroring the calibration on his bike lock thus allowing his flux capacitor to be recharged. It would also explain the tension and the late onslaught of goals that Dynamo proceeded to let in as the clock ticked away.

EXCLUSIVE!

Proof of this outrageous event can now be viewed here, with previously unseen footage of Langdon testing out his new purchase after receiving it from time traveller Burwood this morning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui4kI-RHS1Q&feature=related

Quite what this all means for next weeks match is unclear. What was Essen’s involvement in the downfall? Will Burwood return from the future to sturdy up Dynamo defence? Will anyone really care?

Find out next week as the rivalry goes on.

FINAL SCORE

FC DYNAMO ARTISTS 12 - 30 AC TORTURED

Matt Motson