Athletico Tortured Artists FC


Sol looks comfortable signing for the Arts Council funded ‘Notts County Project’

Sol looks comfortable signing for the Arts Council funded ‘Notts County Project’

— 4 years ago
Players Return To Clubs as Arts Council Funded ‘Notts County Project’ Fails.

British Artist Sol Campbell will re-sign for Arsenal this week as the Arts Council funded ‘Notts County Project’ has finally conceded defeat. Millions of pounds of Arts Council money were spent on the project which not only attracted Swedish ‘Kleenex’ artist, Sven Goran Eriksson but also the majority of the ATA FC squad.

Since the failure of the project players have begun a mass exodus back to their original clubs. ATAFC fell hard when the NCP (Notts County Project) took all of their brightest stars. The club has plummeted through the leagues and the teams glorious Holt St Stadium had to be sold to cover huge debt, amassed paying stalwart Stuart Whipps’ colossal salary.

The team are rumoured to return in more humble surroundings at Queensbridge School, Kings Heath, close to the legendary Highbury Park- location of the mythical ‘three man training sessions’ of autumn 2008.

Players still returning from the NCP are advised to contact ATAFC officials immediately to engage in contract talks

more to follow….

— 4 years ago
Reclusive Club Chairman Chris ‘Marco Boogers’ Poolman made the first tentative steps towards a comeback yesterday by making an emotional return to Moseley Rugby Club. Poolman, who has being hiding out in a caravan on the outskirts of Digbeth for the last six weeks, stated his determination to return to the world of artists football on Wednesday September 9th. The reasons for Poolmans enforced disappearance from the game remain unknown. More to follow.

Reclusive Club Chairman Chris ‘Marco Boogers’ Poolman made the first tentative steps towards a comeback yesterday by making an emotional return to Moseley Rugby Club. Poolman, who has being hiding out in a caravan on the outskirts of Digbeth for the last six weeks, stated his determination to return to the world of artists football on Wednesday September 9th. The reasons for Poolmans enforced disappearance from the game remain unknown. More to follow.

— 4 years ago
Sensational Return As Barber Buys Toe Brace

Simon from Blue Peter went ape sh*t this morning on Sky Sports  with the all too predictable news that Phil Barber will ignore advise to rest an injured toe to make a sensational return to Artists Football.

These are unceratin times for the Wednesday night league and all players are advised to text or ‘facebook’ to inform their clubs of their availability. Barber is said to be dismayed at the idea of 2 on 2, dissapointed but not put off by 3 on 3 and overjoyed at anything 4 players a side or over. Classy Midfield Strike Force Wizard Attacker  ‘Tom’ is said to be on the brink of bringing in actual talented footballers to make up numbers.

more to follow.

— 5 years ago
Barber Retires From Artist Football in Two Month Toe Time-Out

It was confirmed today that ATAFC’s Phil Barber has fractured a bone in his big toe. The injury had occured over two months ago. Periods of recovery had occured but without sufficient rest the bone has simply re-fractured everytime Barber is involved in a challenge. Without letting this injury recover, Barber could face permanent Arthritis in his toe.

Barber revealed the diagnosis to limited press and news reaches this blog with ‘hits’ falling from 30,000 per day to just 4 (Barber admitted he may check the blog around 4 times a day). Recovery time is said to be 8 weeks but residual pain in the foot could last longer.

Barber is said to be dissapointed by the news and will miss Wednesday Night Artist Football greatly. He hopes to return to the fixtures but must let the problematic bone heal properly so as not to risk constant recurrence of the injury.

— 5 years ago
An artists impression of what Barbers toe may look like to someone who has x-ray vision and, as a side-affect, sees the world as an illustration.

An artists impression of what Barbers toe may look like to someone who has x-ray vision and, as a side-affect, sees the world as an illustration.

— 5 years ago
Breaking News! Holt St Secured

News has just reached us via morse-code that Holt st, Aston University Astro Turf, will again host the worlds most exciting artist based, birmingham centric football league.

Fixtures will begin, as usual, this Wednesday, 7pm.

more to follow….

— 5 years ago
Westbrook Foundation Charity Tournament Brings Renewed Positivity.

Yesterdays Westbrook Foundation Charity Tournament saw friends and fellow creatives of ‘Westerbrucke’ wow crowds at Aston University’s Lightening Conductor Stadium.

Excited members of the press were granted access not only to the footballing event but to the after party as well. Westbrook, who could not clarify what his foundation was raising money for, gave a candid interview in which elements of his personal life, and indeed hygiene, were revealed.

The tournament, a more relaxed affair than the cage fighting antics that fans have come to expect from artist fixtures, showcased the skills of a number of fan favourites. Poolman, who had recently announced a break from the sport, arrived in a traffic-light inspired kit and treated spectators to the kind of silky footwork that grabbed him 33.333% of ATAFC’s goals in their spell in the Moseley Young Offenders League. One goal in 10 appearances.

The event, featuring nut-megs, tricks, goals and appalling defending reminded die hard season ticket holders of Highbury Park antics of old and could be enough to tempt a number of players back to Wednesday night football, the first fixture of the new summer league beginning on 1st of July.

The after party, lasting long into the night, featured a startling display of football free-styling by club legend, Westbrook in which only two people were injured and as little as £280 worth of the Lamp Tavern destroyed.  Incidents involving massage, break-dancing and sex-positions have been intercepted on their way to the back-pages by Westbrook’s legal team.

more to follow…..

— 5 years ago
"NEW LEAGUE START DELAYED AS NEWCASTLE KIT IS SO BAD"
The start of the new Ulitmate Artist Soccer Ball league will be moved to wednesday the 1st of july after images of Newcastle’s new away kit were relased.
— 5 years ago
NEW LEAGUE START DELAYED BY ONE WEEK BECAUSE NEWCASTLE AWAY KIT IS SO BAD.

NEW LEAGUE START DELAYED BY ONE WEEK BECAUSE NEWCASTLE AWAY KIT IS SO BAD.

— 5 years ago
"League begins again! Wednesday 24th June 7.00pm, Gosta Green Pitch."
— 5 years ago

 ULTIMATE ARTIST SOCCER BALL!!!!!!

A short clip from the newly devised programming of the new ‘Ultimate Artists Soccer Ball’ league was leaked today. The rights to the ‘Summer Season’ have been purchased for £8.51 and a packet of Cheetos by ESPN with live screening beginning with Wednesdays fixture at 7.00pm, Gosta Green pitch.

Artists are advised to email or txt Barber or Whipps with their availability for the next 10 weeks, and in particular this Wednesday so they can guage numbers.

Kick-off  Wednesday 24th  7.00pm

Coverage on ESPN 3 extra +1  featuring commentary by Paula Abdul and post-match analysis by Bruce Nauman and Simon Cowell.

— 5 years ago

 Poolmans curious press conference in which he announced a ‘break’ from football for an undetermined amount of time resembles Cantonas own announcement.  Eric’s speech is shown here as Poolman banned all cameras from his huge Basall Heath based estate today, muttering about his soul being stolen by the lense before retreating into a tent made from a broom handle and a double fitted bed sheet. Season ticket sales for the new season, beginning next wednesday, were said to be around 98% down on predicted sales figures that were produced before Poolmans temporary departure from the sport.

— 5 years ago
The End?
In a move which is sure to have far reaching ramifications, Club Chairman/Star Striker/wanton Hustler Chris Poolman is alleged to have handed in a transfer request to himself in which he outlined his plan to not only take flight from ATAFC but from the world of football altogether. It is rumored that Poolman, a renowned practitioner of the ancient art of Morrisjitsu is to concentrate his efforts on the formation of a British artists only version of the sport.

Fellow members of the ATAFC squad are said to be reeling at the news. In a vain attempt to encourage Poolman to stay Phil (Philip) Barber was seen clinging to the windscreen of Poolmans motor vehicle as it left the training ground.
Poolman himself was as eloquent and philosophical as ever:
"I’ve had enough of these lousy F***ing artists and the constant F***ing text messaging to see who can play and who can’t. If they wanna play so much they can get there own F***ing team. I just want to move on from yellow belt……"

The End?

In a move which is sure to have far reaching ramifications, Club Chairman/Star Striker/wanton Hustler Chris Poolman is alleged to have handed in a transfer request to himself in which he outlined his plan to not only take flight from ATAFC but from the world of football altogether. It is rumored that Poolman, a renowned practitioner of the ancient art of Morrisjitsu is to concentrate his efforts on the formation of a British artists only version of the sport.

Fellow members of the ATAFC squad are said to be reeling at the news. In a vain attempt to encourage Poolman to stay Phil (Philip) Barber was seen clinging to the windscreen of Poolmans motor vehicle as it left the training ground.

Poolman himself was as eloquent and philosophical as ever:

"I’ve had enough of these lousy F***ing artists and the constant F***ing text messaging to see who can play and who can’t. If they wanna play so much they can get there own F***ing team. I just want to move on from yellow belt……"

— 5 years ago